


Perfectly wrong

by BananoweBudynie



Category: NCT (Band), WAYV
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Friends With Benefits, Humor, M/M, One Shot, Rencas - Freeform, Smut, luren, nomin, yukren
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-30
Updated: 2019-01-30
Packaged: 2019-10-19 13:44:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17602460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BananoweBudynie/pseuds/BananoweBudynie
Summary: Renjun doesn't like his life too complicated. Peace is what he seeks at all cost. Yukhei is warmth, pleasure and security, because they made a promise. No feelings attached. Regular relationship doesn't sound like peace to Renjun.





	Perfectly wrong

The artificial light contrasts with the darkness of the night outside and Renjun has to squint his eyes. It hurts. There is pain pounding at his scull and surging in his temples, overpowering his whole body. It makes him nauseous, weak at knees but Renjun doesn’t show he’s not feeling well. First of all, he’s a master at keeping a façade and second, he’s well aware, why his body is in such state. He didn’t get much sleep last night.

The tiredness kicking in doesn’t stop him from buying a glass of wine, though. He may feel like literal shit but it’s not an evening spend in the theatre without a glass of wine. Red. The play is long, he won’t make it without a little booze. It’s only so much pleasure he can get from life.

Which used to be so different.

With lots of self-consciousness, Renjun holds the glass with both hands, scared he might accidently drop it. He doesn’t trust his worn-out body. Not anymore. There is no hesitance, though, in the way he slowly but surely drinks the alcohol till the last drop. He needs it.

After giving a waiter the glass back, Renjun feels his body slightly heating up, so he pops the upper button of his loose shirt open. This theater is not one of those poche and overly fancy ones, it’s more on the fashionable but opened to everyone side, so he doesn’t worry much about his appearance. Or about the now visible huge bruise marking his collarbones. It’s a little faded now, less red and more violet and blue, but the bite still tells the same story.

Of overwhelming emotions, of worthless promises, broken hopes. Of darkness, silence and void.

Renjun shakes his head.

The staff soon opens the doors and asks the audience to take their seats. Renjun blends into the crowd, finding his seat and melting into the thin cushions. Finally, no one is going to look at him, he will no longer be the entertainment the others seek, he will be the spectator for once again.

The thought calms his nerves, just a little but still, and the pain in his head (and heart) becomes just a tiny bit more bearable. He takes a deep breath.

The lights switch off.

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

Warmth and humidity hit Renjun, when he exits his dorm and steps into the Seoul summer night. Even though, the sun set hours ago, the air doesn’t lose its temperature, making the boy feel his face instantly moisten up. Renjun doesn’t hate the feeling, though, there is something highly satisfying in being warm all the time – day and night, since morning till midnight. It simply makes him feel good.

There is a car parked in front of his dorm – a grey Jeep Renegade – its engine working silently compared to the music blasting from the inside. Renjun involuntarily smiles and shakes his head, as he nears the vehicle and opens the passenger’s door. There is no other thing he’s grown so accustomed to since the beginning of uni than this shot gun seat.

“Hey, loser,” He gets inside and buckles the seatbelt, before turning the volume of the music down. “You’re gonna lose you’re hearing.”

“Well hello, smartass. Thanks for caring about my precious ears.” The other puts the car on drive and they quickly head towards the main road.

Wong Yukhei is a student of National Academy of Dramatic Arts, the same one Renjun attends, though he’s one year above the latter and aiming to get a degree in acting, not drama studies like the other. And he’s a well-known fuckboy, while Renjun spends most of the time reading books and going to the theatre. They should be polar opposites. But they’re not.

“One day I’m going to regret our midnight escapades to McDonalds’.” Yukhei says, hands on the steering wheel but eyes swiftly glancing to the younger.

“Better regret doing it than not trying at all,” Renjun takes the older’s phone into his hands and changes from Jay Park, who’s songs are currently playing, to Day6. “The food just tastes so much better late at night.”

“And when you don’t have to pay for it.” Yukhei adds. Whenever they eat out together the older is the one to pay for their meals. Renjun would feel bad about it, if Yukhei didn’t rant about his father being filthy rich.

They cross the highway and follow the road towards the McDonalds’ they always visit. It has a descent, however, mostly deserted and poorly-lightened parking lot, which is a great convenience. No one ever disturbed them, while they were laughing or singing too loudly, fighting over the last fries or doing _other_ thing on the backseat.

It’s the only place, where they don’t have to worry about being judged.

“Do we order the usual?” Yukhei asks, when they arrive, rolling his window down to give the order. His eyes are focused on the list of the proposed snacks, though, and when a huge smile spreads on his lips, Renjun knows the older is up to no good. “Injun, what about starting off with Oreo McFlurry? I’ve been craving the cookies lately.”

It’s a stupid idea, simple as that. Their usual consists of cheeseburger and vanilla milkshake for Renjun, bigmac and chocolate milkshake for Yukhei and fries for the both of them. So additional McFlurry, especially, as the opening of their midnight eating is surely the worst of ideas.

“Just tell them to give us two spoons.”

When they get their order, Yukhei parks in the furthest part of the parking lot and turns the engine off, while keeping the radio on. He snatches his phone from Renjun’s lap and plays Loco, before taking the spoon the younger offered him and digging into the ice cream. The way he moans with the food inside his mouth is something Renjun has gotten used to in the last few months.

“This is so good!” the older almost cries out, his voice loud and bouncing off the car’s windows. Yukhei is a loud person by nature. He doesn’t laugh under his nose, nor does he ever whisper. Whatever he does or says is always so loud, he catches the attention of almost every passerby. And they would tell him to keep quiet or to simply shut up but no one ever does. Because one look at his face get everyone weak at their knees and that is also the reason, why he’s so popular at the Academy.

Yukhei is just exceptionally handsome. There is no fighting the statement; it’s the truth you cannot fight with and Renjun himself doesn’t oppose. It’s just that he has also witnessed the other side of Yukhei, the one where he slurps on the McFlurry, accidently gets them on his t-shirt and then licks the stain, making it even more obvious. Just everyday Yukhei.

After finishing the ice cream, they dig into their burgers and Yukhei, once again, moans like a mad man.

“So I was thinking,” Renjun starts, halfway throughout his burger, while dipping his fries into the milkshake. “There is this great play in two months. I’ll be buying the tickets soon. Do you want to go see it with me?”

Yukhei’s mouth is full, his cheeks chubby and eyes wide open, blinking at the younger. He chews slowly, like he’s debating what the other just told him, while Renjun notices that there is ketchup on the older’s chin. He’s a messy eater.

“Are you asking me out on a date?” Yukhei asks, after finally swallowing and the way he’s smirking tells Renjun that he’s teasing him. _Of course, he is._

“I’m offering to buy you a ticket to a play worth seeing. You should see it as an actor-wannabe,” he takes a napkin and hands it to Yukhei, while pointing to his chin. “Besides, it’s not a date, when we’re not dating.”

It’s a little uncomfortable, when Yukhei once again takes a bite of his burger, eyes not leaving Renjun’s, as he slowly chews. The thing is, if Yukhei only tries, he can be quite intimidating, charming in an unexplainable way and Renjun knows, why do people so easily  fall for Yukhei and his charms. There is something in the older’s eyes that makes you believe, you’re the whole world to him.

But in fact, it’s just the way Yukhei looks at people. He’s an actor, he doesn’t mean it.

“Thank you for being so thoughtful, smartass.”

Yukhei leans forward and plants a sloppy smooch right on Renjun’s lips. It’s wet, one of those kisses you actually doubt, whether you liked or not, and Renjun would be disgusted, if it was their first kiss. But it’s not.

Yukhei pops the rest of the burger into his mouth and takes a gulp of his chocolate milkshake right after. Renjun likes to think that there is no other person out there, who knows Yukhei like he does. That no one has seen the way he eats McDonalds’ at midnight in his car, how he stains his t-shirt and gets ketchup on his face. But they have an unspoken rule to not mention other people Yukhei is sleeping with. It’s his own business and Renjun was well aware, what he got himself into from the beginning.

The car’s engine is soon brought back to life and Yukhei slowly starts to make his way back, while Renjun finishes his meal. They pass by multiple buildings drowned in darkness but the streets are bright, cars still moving and, even though, it’s way past 1 am, the sidewalks aren’t empty. It’s a special kind of feeling to know you belong to the night.

“You took a different road,” Renjun states, when he realizes Yukhei isn’t following the way leading to his dorm. Neither is it going towards Yukhei’s house. “Where are we going?”

“Your dorm. I just chose a longer road.” There is a smug smirk on his lips, which he addresses at Renjun, when he’s wants to tease him.

“Why?”

“Don’t you want to spend more time with me?”

Renjun is up to argue – say that he has morning lectures the next day, that there are materials about critic institutions he hasn’t finished reading, that he needs his beauty sleep. But then they stop at the red light and before he can voice any of his thoughts, Yukhei puts his hand on the nape of the younger’s neck and pulls him in, kissing him deep and feverish. He presses Renjun to his body, the younger breaching himself on the older’s shoulders, fisting the material of his t-shirt.

It’s an addiction. The way their lips melt together and tongues stoke each other makes Renjun feel high, as if he’s suddenly aware of every cell in his body, how they build his muscles and float in his blood. Yukhei’s presence grounds him, makes him fully come back to the reality, staying aware in the exact moment.

“Because I want to spend more time with you, Injun.”

 _“Liar,”_ is at the tip of Renjun’s tongue. His nose touches with Yukhei’s, their eyes locked and breaths mingled into a one desperate shudder. _“You’re a heartless liar.”_

But the younger doesn’t voice the thoughts. He unfastens the seatbelt and hurriedly pushes himself up to lean over the armrest and kiss Yukhei once again. His thin fingers find perches in the older’s hair, messily running through the dark brown strands. Their mutual need to hold each other tightly – with blood and bruises – is what drives them insane. Their hunger never gets sated and they just long for _more more more_.

“You just want to get into my pants.” Renjun finally states, whispering into Yukhei’s ear, while the older rests his hands on his hips.

“When do I not?”

Yukhei laughs his loud and annoyingly addicting laugh, lips spreading in a wide smile, teeth showing. Renjun lets his hands slip from the older’s scalp and sits back in his seat with eyes glued to the view in front of him. He wants to smack him hard, slap his hand on the older’s head or pull him by the ear. Maybe strangle him to a slow but definite death.

“I am truly sorry for the one person you’d be in a relationship one day. You’ll make their life miserable.”

The light turns green but Yukhei doesn’t move the car. The smile is still on his face but there is a shadow in his eyes – of what, Renjun doesn’t know – but the younger forbids himself to dwell on the fact. There is no place for stronger feelings in whatever they have. From the beginning, it was all about the mutual pleasure and benefits.

“Good thing I don’t do relationships,” Yukhei finally answers. Renjun tells himself the older’s voice doesn’t sound strange, when he says the words. “Put on some music, babe.” he adds, starting the car and driving the almost empty streets. He still doesn’t look intended on making his way towards Renjun’s dorm soon.

They roll down the windows, as Shinee’s “Countless” plays and Renjun takes a deep breath. Moments like these are his favorite – with wind messing his hair and music blasting from the speakers. He would pull the all-nighter every day, if it would guarantee him this feeling of great independence, feeling freed from daily worries and hard work. He wants to stay like this forever – with cold cheeks, calm heart and fingers intertwined with his own ones.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The daylight slips through the cafeteria’s windows and blinds Renjun’s eyes, making him squint in pain. He’s been attacked by a migraine in the morning and three painkillers later he’s still not better. His head is pounding, pain settling in his temples and he believes he’s closer to getting sick than overcoming the discomfort.

He deems his poor physical state on the change of weather – barely yesterday it was raining, the ground is still soaked in water, but today it was quickly replaced with warm and bright sunrays. Renjun likes it, when it’s sunny and he doesn’t have to worry about wearing warmer clothes, it’s just that such sudden changes give him terrible headaches.

And he’s sure, he will not overcome it, when Donghyuck sits in front of him with his lunch, Jaemin and Jeno trailing behind, though, immersed in their own conversation. There is a stupid smile plastered on Donghyuck’s face, when Renjun looks at him and it makes him even more sick. He’s not in the greatest of moods.

The four of them became friends at the very beginning of the school year, being freshman and seeking new friendships, although, Jeno and Jaemin have known each other since middle school and have been best friends since. Also, Renjun is the only foreigner among them but he never feels left out. They’re good friends, even though, they mostly bicker and tease each other.

“What’s with the mood, Renjun?” Donghyuck asks, eyeing the way the other frowns. He stuffs his mouth with kimchi fried rice and the Chinese looks down to his own lunch. His appetite is non-existent at the moment but he knows from experience that the migraine won’t let go, if he doesn’t eat, so he tiredly sips on his soup.

“Headache,” he says, to which Jaemin and Jeno get quiet and turn their heads towards him. “I thought, I wouldn’t have to see your ugly face today.”

“Aww, look how you’re flirting with me from the first moment we see each other today.” Donghyuck says in mocking voice, enveloping his face with his hands and blowing Renjun a kiss. The Chinese would give in to the urge to strangle his friend, no matter the witnesses and consequences, if it weren’t for the ever sweet Jaemin, who passes him painkillers and a bottle of water. Good thing at least of one them is able to feel _compassion_.

“I don’t think, Renjun would ever flirt with you, Hyuck.” Jeno says, stealing teobboki from Jaemin’s tray.

“Am I too short for your liking, Injunn-ah?” Donghyuck says softly but it’s apparent that he’s playing, having fun while mocking the other. It is not like he doesn’t know, about what he’s talking – about _who_.

So Renjun swings his leg under the table, successfully kicking Donghyuck in the shin and making him yelp in pain, which causes him to jerk suddenly and drop his drenched in gochujang sauce chopsticks on his beige slacks.

“For fuck’s sake!”

“Don’t swear.” Jaemin points out but pats Donghyuck’s arm, hoping the gesture will sooth the pain.

“It’s called karma.” Jeno adds, snickering under his nose. He leans a little towards Renjun and sticks his hand out for them to highfive under the table.

Although the bickering, Renjun fishes for wet wipes in his bag and hands them to Donghyuck. They’re made to tease each other but none of them takes offence. It’s their mutual unspoken agreement that there are boundaries to be never crossed. And even though, Donghyuck seems like a stranger to deeper emotions, in reality he can get quite protective over the other three boys, because in the end they are friends and that’s what matters the most.

“Oh no, the motherfucker,” Donghyuck suddenly says, his mouth full with fried chicken, and Jaemin looks like he’s about to reprimand him for cursing, but his eyes follow Donghyuck’s ones and he doesn’t look pleased at all. “I am not a violent person but I would take pleasure from beating his stupid ass.”

Renjun doesn’t have to turn to know, about who Donghyuck is talking about. Nonetheless, he looks to his right. And there he is, Wong Yukhei, in ripped jeans and an oversized black t-shirt with the word BOSS written at the back. Renjun once slept in it.

His brown fringe gets into his eyes, while he laughs, his cheeks getting chubbier and eyes almost disappearing. Renjun adores it, when that smile is addressed to him. But today it’s not. There is a girl sitting beside Yukhei, animatedly talking about something, her slim hand tucked under Yukhei’s arm. Renjun hasn’t seen her before but that’s what happens to all the girls that stick around the older – they come and go.

“When are you going to stop letting him use you?” Jaemin asks and Renjun knows, he’s not going to finish the soup. He completely lost the appetite. They’ve had this conversation over a hundred times, always making false accusations and treating Yukhei, as if he was the worst bastard on Earth.

“How many times do I have to tell you? He’s not using me,” Renjun isn’t the biggest fan of Donghyuck’s accusing eyes but he won’t avert his gaze. Looking away would be equal to a defeat and he truly wants for his friends to finally understand, what his and Yukhei’s relation is about. “We both agreed to it.”

“I though you’d catch feelings early, get jealous and leave him but you’ve been stuck with him for over half a year,” Donghyuck looks him deeply in the eyes, trying hard to make a good point and it takes all strength left in Renjun not to let the lecture get into his head. “I’m sorry but I can’t believe there is no way you’ll starts feeling something for him, when you’re spending so much time together.”

 _We’re friends first_ , Renjun wants to say. _Two lost Chinese boys._

“I don’t want to annoy you, Renjun,” Jeno suddenly butts in, eyes not really meeting Renjun’s but the Chinese knows, he means it. Jeno is kind of awkward with serious talks, so it’s quite shocking to see him partaking in the conversation now. “But I believe one of you is going to end up hurting and I don’t want my friend to be in pain.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Jeno. That Wong guy doesn’t have a heart.” Donghyuck crosses his arms over his chest and huffs.

Renjun doesn’t answer – he’s at loss of words, doesn’t know, what to say to prove them wrong. He isn’t sure about himself, he never was, however, he swore he would never fall for Wong Yukhei. But the older? Renjun looks to the other table, follows the way Yukhei moves his chopsticks and laughs with his friends. He does have a heart, a very warm one, and he wonders – would Yukhei be so foolish?

Renjun takes the painkillers Jaemin gave him earlier and swallows them quickly.

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

The space destined to be the stage is wide and rounded by three fake walls, behind which the actors can disappear from the viewer’s sight. There are no more stage props – the place void of meaningless objects, waiting to be filled with the act.

An actress sits in the middle of the stage, hugging her knees to her chest trying to make herself look smaller, eyes not meeting the audience, hair casting a shadow over her face. She has a tired look on her young but pale face and dark bags under her eyes, evidence of something painful that must have happened to her.

“Yeri!”

A woman comes on stage, dressed neatly, elegantly, with black high-heels adoring her feet. She walks smoothly and confidently, even though, her figure is a little hunched due to the bucket of water she’s holding in her right hand.

“How many times do I have to repeat myself?” She yells her shrilling voice echoing from the stage. “It’s high time you get married. Just find yourself a man and stop sulking! I can’t wait to finally show off with my grandchildren.”

The girl does not respond, so the woman, apparently her mother, lightly kicks her to get her attention.

“But you won’t make mommy proud, right? Because you never do. Stubborn and egoistic brat.” And the woman empties the bucket over the girls head, drenching her thin clothes and long hair. Then she leaves the stage.

The girl shivers with no control over it, holding tighter onto her knees, as if searching for a bit of warmth. Her face stays plain, void of emotions, but it’s obvious she wears it like a mask. Her genuine feelings are hidden.

Then a man comes from the back, with white hair and wrinkles, but he does not look weak at all. He has his own bucket of water.

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

The evening is warm, humid air fanning over skin and tangling in the hair, so although, Renjun finishes lectures late, he decides to take a walk. He basks in the golds of the sunset sky and mingles with the noise of honking cars. There is hope in him, hope that his thoughts will finally quiet down, become mute, but with each and every step their knocking at the door to his head gets louder, more violent. Renjun knows he can’t fight them.

There has been a gossip going around the Academy throughout the whole day. Apparently, one of the many girls that try to hunt Yukhei down and convince him to date them asked him out today. It’s nothing out of the ordinary, it happens at least once a week and no one has ever made a big fuss about being turned down. Everyone knows Wong Yukhei is only fucking around, he doesn’t do dating. But since this morning they’ve all been passing down the words he was supposed to say.

_“I can’t date you, because I already have a special someone.”_

Renjun knows he shouldn’t worry too much – if Yukhei truly were in a relationship, he would have told him first to settle thing between them. There is no reason to trust the girls, who mostly overreact and rarely are right. But then why, why did Yukhei say such thing? He never bothered to lie, he was always straight forward, telling people, what was on his mind. Did something change?

Does he truly have someone?

Renjun takes a deep breath. Maybe it’s high time, they finally move on and start being a little more serious about life. Maybe Yukhei realized that quick fucks aren’t everything he needs. Maybe Renjun should start thinking about future too.

Yukhei was never his. It’s just convenient that they both speak the same language and can find comfort in each other’s arms. But it was never supposed to be a permanent solution. It was a given, one day the thing they have would have to come to an end.

With the thoughts swirling in his mind, Renjun knows he’s taking longer than he normally should to make it to the dorm. And to top it all, suddenly his phone rings.

**Mom**

“Hello?”

_“Oh dear, how long has it been since I last heard from you?”_

Renjun wants to believe that he’s an independent 20 years old boy but his mother’s voice makes him instantly warm on the inside. Except from her and Yukhei, he rarely has a chance to speak Chinese lately.

“Two weeks? I’m sorry, I’ve been busy, mom.” His voice gets softer with every word and he suddenly realizes, how much he’s missed the woman.

 _“I hope you’ve been to parties and made a lot of friends.”_ She laughs, that gentle laugh, and as surreal as it may seem, Renjun knows that she’s serious.

“I have lots of work,” he says, a small smile appearing on his face. “But I’m still friends with Jeno, Jaemin and Donghyuck. I told you about them before.”

_“You send me the picture of the four of you. Are they good to you?”_

Renjun thinks about the last break, when Donghyuck jumped on him on the stairs, because of which Renjun spilled his coffee. Jeno held him, while he tried to set free and strangle Donghyuck to death. Jaemin wiped the coffee from the floor.

“Donghyuck tends to be annoying but I like it just like that,” From the corner of his eye, Renjun sees a familiar Jeep coming his way. “I wouldn’t want it any other way.”

_“That’s good to hear. I don’t want to intrude into your life but can I ask you one thing? It’s been bothering me, since the last time we talked.”_

The grey Jeep halts on the side of the road right next to Renjun. The passenger’s window rolls down and behind the wheel is sitting Yukhei – with his big, contagious smile and warmth in the black eyes of his.

“Sure, mom.”

“Do you need a ride, babe?” Yukhei winks at him and Renjun feels his lips spreading into a huge smile. He can feel his skin getting on fire, heart skipping beats, hands shaking and Yukhei hasn’t even touched him. Yet.

 _“Are you still fooling– I mean, are you still seeing that actor boy?”_ There is no anger in her voice, no disgust or displeasure. Just wariness and fear – yes, Renjun is sure his mother is scared. He has an older sister, who was never problematic, who found good job, married a nice guy. She can proudly show her off to the family. And even though, she dearly loves Renjun and makes sure to let him know about it, he is aware he is the more difficult one of the siblings. And seeing another man isn’t helping. Maybe he shouldn’t have told her.

He didn’t actually tell her, what his and Yukhei’s relationship is, he just said that their seeing each other, which was a lie from the beginning.

Yukhei leans towards the passenger’s door and pushes it open, so that Renjun can throw his backpack on the floor and climb onto the seat. But instead of buckling up the seatbelt, he moves toward the older, one hand propped on Yukhei’s shoulder, the other still holding the phone. They share a smile, eyes finding each other, lips grazing over lips.

“No, mom. Not anymore.”

 

 

 

“We won’t get any work done, if you keep on squirming like this.”

Renjun puts his pen down, leaving the sentence not finished and looks towards Yukhei. They’re at a café to study – Renjun making notes for the upcoming philosophy exam and Yukhei memorizing a monologue for the students’ play he’s partaking in – and as impossible as it may seem for them to actually work together, Renjun likes to keep an eye on the older’s progress in the studies. Yukhei may be talented but at the same time he tends to not be organized and forget about the most important issues.

Like actual studying.

“I think I had too much caffeine,” the older says, his left leg bouncing up and down, eyes widely opened. “What if I get a heart attack and die?” He grabs the front of his t-shirt to exaggerate his words.

“You can’t die, you promised to drive me back home.” Renjun picks the pen up again and tries focusing on the believes of Socrates and not the movement of Yukhei’s leg beside his own one.

Yukhei harshly nods his head, making his brown fringe mess up over his forehead and finally picks up the sheets of paper with the monologue he has to memorize. Renjun knows, he’s reading the text over, because he can clearly hear Yukhei muttering the words under his breath. The older’s voice is never quiet.

They get back to learning, both minding their own business and Renjun believes he’s actually going to do more than he intended to, when Yukhei’s deep voice once again breaks the silence.

“What would you do, if I died?” Renjun can feel Yukhei’s gaze on him but he pretends, as if he didn’t hear the older. He keeps on writing down the notes. “Would you miss me?”

Yukhei props his chin on Renjun’s shoulder and his back must be in pain, because the younger is much smaller than him and the position surely is not comfortable. He keeps it, though, and blinks at Renjun with his big eyes.

“I wouldn’t have anyone to buy me dinner,” Renjun finally says. A small smile tugs at the corner of his lips, when he smells Yukhei’s perfumes, which are so familiar to him right now. It gives him a strange feeling of being in the _right_ place; just where he should be. “And drive me around Seoul in the middle of the night. So, yes, I would miss you just a tiny bit.”

Yukhei makes a face at him, pouting and furrowing his brows. He will make a great actor one day, Renjun thinks, as he tugs one of the brown lock behind Yukhei’s ear. The older instantly beams at him, showing teeth and crackling loudly.

Damn Wong Yukhei and his beauty.

There is a though nagging Renjun; bothering the peace of his mind, he so dearly cherishes. The gossip. Who is it that Yukhei is seeing? Does he have feelings for them? Is it even real? The most reasonable thing to do would be to ask Yukhei, right here right now, and see what truly is going on.

But Renjun doesn’t want to know, at least not today. Somewhere after their first kiss but before Yukhei took Renjun into his arms and took him to his bedroom, they promised each other that no feelings would mingle into their relationship and if one of them would like to start a stable relationship with someone else, they would stop whatever they were doing.

And Huang Renjun just wanted to have Yukhei one more day.

“Can’t we go to my place now?” The older asks, straightening his back and almost bouncing in his seat like a dog waiting for a treat. “I finished memorizing.”

“You were literally revising for fifteen minutes. That’s not what learning looks like,” There is skepticism in Renjun’s voice but his eyes stay tender. “You know, we won’t be studying once we get to your house.”

“That’s the point!”

A couple of old ladies that sit by the nearest table to theirs turn their heads, because Yukhei is just fucking loud and probably half of the customers just heard him. Renjun isn’t ashamed, though. He’s used to people paying too much attention to Yukhei – be it because of his handsome features or just annoying behavior. That’s what captivates everyone about the older and Renjun knows it, deep inside his heart, that he has a weak spot for him too.

“Just a little bit more, Xuxi,” Renjun sends him the last smile and finally takes his eyes off the older to focus on his notes. “Let me finish this and then we can go.”

Yukhei sighs dramatically but doesn’t argue. He once again takes a look at the papers and starts re-reading the monologue, putting his whole focus on memorizing the sentences. Renjun is proud the older is finally making less fuss about studying than when they just started spending time together. He truly wishes for Yukhei to be a well educated man.

Just as Renjun is noting down all the facts about Socrates’ unfortune death, a big and warm hand finds its way onto his thigh. It settles on the upper part of his leg, long fingers trailing the inner side. There is something casual in the way Yukhei put his hand but at the same time _special_. They always hide, keep their hands to each other when they are in public, but from time to time Yukhei likes to remind Renjun that fun is in the rules you break.

“Do you want to die?” the younger asks without looking at Yukhei, his voice calm and steady.

A deep laugh vibrates from Yukhei’s chest and reaches Renjun’s ears, right before a pair of plump lips press a wet smooch on the younger’s cheek. Renjun instantly drops his pen, covering his cheek with a hand and looking at Yukhei with widely opened eyes.

“You’re so cute, when you’re angry.”

Renjun isn’t sorry for smacking his head with full force (of his noodle arms).

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

The actress shivers, cold water pooling around her, wet clothes sticking to her skin. She’s pale, any colors drained from her face, as her gaze stays focused on the audience before her. She took many harsh words on herself, heard them all loud and clear and it seems like a miracle that she’s not crying yet. Though, the silence around her is much scarier.

Renjun feels himself getting cold too. The chill emanating from the stage crawls to him and wakes up the feelings he so desperately tried to bury in his heart. The constrictions in his chest make it hard for him to breath and he loses focus. Renjun doesn’t know, why he’s so weak. Is it because he hasn’t been sleeping well for the past week or because of the alcohol he just had? His head aches even more.

The seat beside him is empty. Yukhei was supposed to come watch the play with him, he even paid for both of their tickets in the end. Renjun wanted the older to see it, to experience the unforgiving tension and make a good lesson out of it – to be a better actor one day. But Yukhei is not here.

Renjun hasn’t talked to him since last week. He saw the older on the corridors, in the cafeteria, on the parking lot, but they didn’t exchange any words, not even glances. Day by day, there was an awful feeing raising in Renjun’s chest, making him sick in the morning and head pound in the evening. He hated it, hated it almost just as much as he hated the emptiness in his life without Yukhei.

“Yeri?”

Renjun blinks a few times and brings his focus back on the stage. Another actress comes on stage and carefully makes her way towards the curled up girl – Yeri. She sits beside her, the long black hair framing her delicate body and falling over prominent collarbones. She has a towel in her hands and almost instantly starts to dry Yeri’s body.

“Will they ever leave you alone?” She asks, desperately trying to warm Yeri up but the girl’s gaze stays empty, unfazed.

“You know they won’t,” Yeri’s voice is soft and steady – sounds strong for someone, who has just been so humiliated. “Leave before they get you.”

They look at each other, longing apparent in the small gestures exchanged by them and suddenly Renjun feels his chest once again tightening. He somehow feels like the subject will hit too close to home.

The girl shakes her head, as a small smile appears on her face.

“Stop worrying,” Her right hand pets Yeri’s head, as if trying to sooth the pain inside her. “You will never hurt me.”

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

Drinking never ends well with his friends. It’s a Saturday night and the four of them went out for Korean BBQ, which meant eating lots of meat and emptying bottles of soju. That’s what it always looked like.

They aren’t drunk, not yet at least, but it’s easy to tell that Donghyuck and Jeno are already tipsy. And even though, a tipsy Jeno is harmless – he will just start leaning on Jaemin in few minutes and unconsciously hugging the boy – Renjun cannot say the same thing about Donghyuck. Because while Jeno gets even more quiet, as he drinks, Donghyuck just gets louder and louder.

“So as you probably know, I’ve been practicing singing lately and you know what?” Donghyuck makes expectant eyes at them but no one responds to him, so he just continues like nothing happened. “I believe I am a lost child of Beyoncé.”

“You just offended the queen.” Renjun says, before he stuffs his mouth with pickled radish.

“Always so skeptical, Huang.”

“It’s just common knowledge that she couldn’t have such an ugly child like you.”

Donghyuck opens his mouth in disbelief, his cheeks covered in slight pink due to the heat of the grill and effect of alcohol and points an accusing finger at the Chinese.

“Listen, I don’t get you problem. I’m beautiful! B – E – A – U – T – I – F – U – L! Jaemin-ah, why am I friends with this dick– oh no.”

Donghyuck’s gaze falls upon their friends sitting beside them and Renjun follows his eyes to see, what caught his attention. Turns out it’s just Jeno and Jaemin doing Jeno and Jaemin things. Sober Jeno never – never ever – lets Jaemin shower him with too much love. They might have been friends for years but there are some boundaries; boundaries, which Na Jaemin gladly crosses, when Lee Jeno gets himself drunk.

Right now though, Jaemin is feeding Jeno with the grilled meat, their eyes locked, faces a little too close for regular friends to be comfortable. But they’re Jeno and Jaemin and, even though, they never said it out loud, Renjun knows there is something going on between them; has been since he met them over half a year ago.

“When will you two get married?” Donghyuck asks and makes a face, frowning his brows at the overly cute couple.

“Aren’t they already since they’ve been, like, in diapers or something?”

“Disgusting.” The comment is hissed quickly and Donghyuck pours himself another drink, as if the soju could wash away the images from his memory. Jeno and Jaemin don’t even move an inch from each other.

“You’re just bitter, because you don’t have anyone to cuddle you fat ass to sleep.”

“Did I just hear a swear word starting with A– ?” Jaemin suddenly casts his gaze away from Jeno and looks as angry as Na Jaemin could look at the other two, who pay him no mind.

“I won’t take love advice from you, Huang Renjun, as long as you fuck with that Wong guy!” Donghyuck harshly puts his glass on the table, soju spilling in the process and people from the nearby tables turn around to look at them. Renjun wonders, why does he always make friends with such loud people?

“Here we go again.” Jeno mutters under his breath and leans his cheek on Jaemin’s shoulder, while sneaking an arm around his waist.

“At least I get a good dicking.” Renjun eats more meat, because the more proteins he consumes, the more strength he will have to fight his friend.

“He’s a fucking brat! Haven’t you heard that he has someone already? How is he not fucking using you now?”

“Language, boys.” Jaemin tries to butt in but Donghyuck and Renjun are too immersed in their own conversation.

A small smile creeps on Renjun’s face and he can’t help it. Just few hours back, in the morning, Yukhei showered him with thousands of kisses. He always stays the night, never leaving Renjun in the cold sheets alone, making sure to keep the younger content. And it may be foolish but there is a though that has been growing inside Renjun’s mind lately – that Yukhei doesn’t have anyone else, that he’s not cheating on them and using Renjun. Because when they’re together, the older gives him his full attention, 101 percent of his being, and Renjun believes Yukhei wouldn’t be like this, if he liked someone else.

But he’s an actor, so Renjun doesn’t trust the thought with all his heart.

“Stop smiling, idiot.” Donghyuck says pointing at his lips.

“I just visualized, what it would be like to stab you eyes with the chopsticks.” Renjun laughs but when only Jeno snickers, he realizes what he said probably wasn’t as funny as he thought. “If Xuxi was to be with anyone seriously, he would have told me. We made a promise.”

“Isn’t it foolish to trust him, Injun-ah?” Jaemin lays his hand on Renjun’s shoulder and the Chinese can only sigh. Not again.

There is a burning feeling waking up in Renjun’s heart. He wants to shout at his friends, shake some sense into them and then maybe cry from frustration, because everyone, his friends, his mother, other students, no one would want for him to just be happy.

But then he remembers the first time he had slept with Yukhei, how the older was eager to undress him but tried his best to still be gentle. Just before he finally entered Renjun, starting off their ‘friends with benefits’ relationship, he looked Renjun deep in the eyes, his hot breath fanning over the younger’s lips and Chinese words spilling out onto his skin.

_“Do you trust me?”_

Renjun takes Jaemin’s hand from his shoulder and gives it a quick, reassuring squeeze.

“Trusting him never brought me any harm.”

 

 

 

The mornings, when Yukhei sleeps over, are always lazy – this one is not an exception. They lay side by side, with their heads fitted on one pillow and bodies close due to the fact that Renjun’s bed is destined to be occupied by _one_ person, not two. The older has his arm draped around Renjun’s waist, while the latter trails his hands over the expanse of Yukhei’s shoulders and chest. Their foreheads pressed together, noses caressing each other.

They barely woke up minutes ago, their minds still hazy and not focused after the sleep. The coziness and warmth just prods them to stay like this a little longer, to bask in the feeling and not care about the problems of the outside world. Until they fully wake up, that is.

Renjun presses himself closer to the older, ducking his head under Yukhei’s chin and burying his face in the crook of his neck. He hooks his naked leg over equally naked hip of the other boy and Yukhei instantly starts caressing his exposed thigh. Even though, it’s barely morning, Renjun presses kisses to Yukhei’s collarbones and the older pulls him so close their chests and crotches are pressed together. It is all about the feeling of mutual understanding, trust and comfort.

“Someone’s eager in the morning.” Yukhei rasps out, when Renjun presses his lips right under his ear and sucks the skin harshly.

Renjun’s act isn’t subconscious, though. He clearly knows, what he is doing and when Yukhei emits a deep moan, the younger starts thinking. Should he ask Yukhei and let him know about the gossip? Or should he keep quiet and bask in what he has right now?

He pushes at Yukhei’s shoulders to make him lay on his back and straddles his hips. His lips don’t leave the skin of Yukhei’s neck, working thoroughly on making blooming hickeys, bright for the world to see.

“You’re either ready for another round or there is something on your mind,” the older says, moving his hands to Renjun’s hips and pressing the younger _down._ “What is it, babe?”

Defeat washes over him and Renjun hates it that Yukhei can read him so well. He pushes himself away from the safeness of Yukhei’s neck, a place where he can hide and drown it the calming scent of the older, and sits with his legs on both sides of Yukheis hips and hands propped on his chest. The older’s right hand travels to his face, caressing his cheek and pressing the thumb onto Renjun’s bottom lip.

“Don’t hide, Injun.”

Renjun hopes he has enough strength to hear the truth.

“The gossip,” he says, looking Yukhei in the eyes. “Is it true that you have someone? Like for serious.”

Yukhei’s lip stretch into a wide smile and soon he’s laughing, loud and clear from the depth of his chest so that Renjun slightly hops due to the vibrations. He doesn’t understand, what the sudden outburst means.

“Are you jealous?”

Renjun can only roll his eyes and hit Yukhei on his torso with his fist but damn the abs, he probably didn’t even feel it at all.

“No but we made a promise that we would stop doing it, if any of us were to be in a serious relationship,” His voice is steady but it lacks the usual calmness. “So are you dating anyone?”

Yukhei stops laughing but the warm smile stays on his face, as he sits up and presses his lips onto Renjun’s ones.

“I’m not.” He answers, the words whispered directly onto their kiss.

Renjun feels himself relaxing, melting into the tender touches and fire burning in their chests. He lets Yukhei kiss him breathless, get into motion his barely awake muscles and heart to beat faster. Until he realizes that it’s not the whole truth Yukhei is telling him.

“But do you have feelings for anyone?”

The question hangs in the air, drifting into the silence that suddenly engulfs them. Yukhei casts his eyes away, before lowering his head and pressing his lips on Renjun’s shoulders, collarbones, anywhere he can reach. His hands move lower and lower, until they’re settled on his ass, fingers slowly probing between the cheeks.

“You’re still loose from last night.” He states, voice muffled by Renjun’s skin.

It’s a distraction, way of running away from their conversation, but Renjun won’t fall for it.

“Xuxi, is ther– ”

He’s interrupted, when Yukhei decides to change their position. He pushes Renjun’s back to the mattress, getting himself between his legs and hooks them behind his back. Before Renjun opens his mouth again to say anything, the older kisses him too deep, with too much tongue and teeth. This won’t solve any problems, won’t finish their conversation.

“Is there anyone you like?” He tries again, when Yukhei gives his mouth a break to look down and position himself. “Xuxi, for fuck’s sake, answer me!”

But Yukhei doesn’t. He slips his right arm under Renjun’s leg and then pushes inside, burying his face in the younger’s neck. It would have hurt, if it weren’t for their yesterday’s activities and Renjun should be angry, furious that Yukhei is doing things without asking for his consent. But at the same time, he can feel, clearly see, that Yukhei is having a fight deep inside his heart. So he puts his hands on the older’s back, caressing the skin over his shoulder blades.

“I don’t want you to cheat on anyone, not even on yourself,” His words become less harsh, less accusing and he hears Yukhei sighing onto his skin, before he starts moving his hips. “You got to stay true to yourself.” He says, while letting his eyelids drop and moans leave his mouth.

“I’m not cheating on anyone.”

The words are warm, soothing and Renjun tangles his fingers into Yukhei’s hair to ground himself. Their rhythm is slow but passionate and it’s a rare occurrence, because they are rarely this vanilla. Yukhei’s movements are so much different, even from what they did yesterday and then it strikes Renjun. His eyes fly open, fingers tightening their grip on the older’s hair and heart almost stopping. There is a question at the tip of his tongue and Renjun has to use all his strength to keep his mouth shut and not let it out.

_“Is it me that you have feelings for then?”_

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

The truth is no matter how hard we try, we may not be able to keep our loved ones safe from our own selves. Because a human being is more than just their body and what they are doing at the moment. We come with our past that haunts us in the middle of the night and emotional baggage, which weighs heavily on our shoulders. We try to present from our best side, hiding what we hate about ourselves.

And we may try to shoo them away, scare them, do anything just to keep them away from the disaster that we are. But one of them is not going to leave, one of them is going to stay and accept – all the flaws, the imperfections, the scars on your heart – just you.

One of them is going to love you.

Renjun feels his insides twisting at the thoughts that pop inside his head, while watching the play. He should be melting, should be feeling warm with the realization that these are the good things that sooner or later are going to come into his life. But from Renjun’s own experience, he can only say that love took away from him, what he needed the most.

Or was he the one to lose it voluntarily?

Ten actors dressed up in black outfits has come on stage, surrounding Yeri and the other girl. They move around them, their bodies flexing and unnaturally twisting. It’s a dance, a petrifying one, and the music accompanying is a shrilling melody. Gradually, they make their way towards the girls, making the circle smaller and smaller and locking them inside without a way out.

Renjun believes the dancers are going to pull apart the girls, because there are just too many obstacles on their path to happiness. The music gets louder, the dance becoming rapid and chaotic. It’s just a matter of time until they attack and rip the flesh apart – until the girls end up hurting.

The dance affects Yeri and, even though, she’s barely visible, it’s apparent that the faster the dancers move, the worse she feels. She’s curling on herself, digging her fingers into her arms and shivering. The dancers are her own demons, getting out of control and trying to ruin her.

The lights flicker, music gets uneven, the dancers move even faster. Yeri hides her face in her hands and the other girl holds her, screaming Yeri’s name loud and clear. And just when the tension reaches it’s peak, when Renjun believes the end for the girls is about to come, the lights go off.

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

On a Friday afternoon, Renjun exits the library with three new books in his hands. He has an essay for History of Art to write and, even though, it might sound crazy, he’s quite content with the exercise. Having too much free time means too many occasion for his brain to overthink… some matters and Renjun believes keeping his life peaceful is the most important. He doesn’t want to socialize, doesn’t want to go out to drink, has no intention of acting like a ‘regular’ student right now. Renjun just longs for a little bit of time for himself.

So when suddenly someone comes across his way and stops him in the middle of the hallway, Renjun dreads the upcoming headache. The guy is tall, huge even, probably taller than Yukhei, which makes Renjun tilt his head to look him in the eyes. The Chinese knows him, they have Directing faculty together. But what was his name? Seokjin? Jungwoo?

“Hi Renjun,” His voice is deep, tone not intruding or demanding, but it’s clear he isn’t going to leave Renjun alone soon. “I’m Wooseok, if you don’t remember.”

 _Oh right, Wooseok._ He’s two years older than Renjun and rarely attends the lectures, which is why Renjun had quite a problem with remembering his name. He tried to ask Renjun out on a coffee date at the beginning of the year but the younger declined dreading the mere thought of dating.

Because there was just something unsettling about the thought of commitment.

“Do you need anything?” Renjun asks to not seem like an asshole.

“I haven’t seen you on any gatherings lately and there is this party today,” Upon hearing the words Renjun hugs the books closer to his chest and heaves a sigh. “I thought that maybe you’d like to go, you know, like, with me as a date.”

_A date._

It’s not that Wooseok is an unattractive guy or that he’s done anything bad to Renjun. To say the truth, there is something truly charming about him. But Renjun doesn’t do dating, because dating means sharing feelings with another person, letting them close to your heart to show all of yourself and hoping they would accept you. And actually having feeling for them in return.

Renjun doesn’t feel butterflies in his stomach at all.

“That’s really nice of you to ask me but I won’t be able to make it,” He shakes the books in his hands to make a point. “These guys won’t read themselves.”

“But it’s a Friday night, Renjun. The party will be a good start before locking yourself up in the dorm to study.”

Wooseok takes a step forward, his huge figure towering over Renjun. The feeling is slightly different from what he feels, while being this close with Yukhei. Yukhei gives him a sense of security, his presence is something he’s used to, while Wooseok’s actions stay unpredictable to Renjun.

“Maybe but I truly don’t feel like going. I’m sorry.” He takes a small step back but Wooseok follows after him and extends his arm to get a hold of Renjun’s left shoulder. There is nothing rough or aggressive in his gestures, even though, he’s invading Renjun’s personal space.

“Can’t you just give it a chance? If you don’t like it, then I promise I’ll take you home and– ”

“Back off.”

Suddenly, the hand on his shoulder is gone, Wooseok’s body slightly further away from his own. There is another figure, tightly holding onto Wooseok’s wrist to pull him away. _Yukhei_. Wong Yukhei in all his glory. And stupidity. He’s making a scene, people on the hallway are watching, already murmuring and paying way too much attention. _What is Yukhei thinking about?_ _Is he even using his brain?_

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Wooseok’s voice does not tremble even a bit. He pulls his arm from Yukhei’s grip but doesn’t step back.

The look in Yukhei’s eyes is something new, something Renjun hasn’t seen before in him – determination and a spark of fire. It make Yukhei look a little more mature, a little more stable, not like the fuckboy that he’s known as. Renjun should be proud and content but the truth is, he’s scared of the reason why Yukhei acts this way.

“Are you deaf?” Yukhei takes a step closer towards Wooseok, in result blocking the older man from getting any closer to Renjun. “Renjun said he can’t come.”

“I was talking to him not you, Wong.”

Taking actions comes with difficulties to Renjun, because a) he truly doesn’t know, what to do with Yukhei’s outburst, when they’re just two friends sleeping with each other and supposedly no feelings, b) there are people watching, listening and it’s clear a new gossip is being created right now. Renjun cannot decipher, whether he longs for the peaceful life more or the truth that Yukhei is clearly hiding.

“He’s not going anywhere with you.”

“Why do you of all people care?!” Wooseok’s voice echoes through the hallway and rings over and over inside Renjun’s head. _why why why why why why–_

Yukhei doesn’t answer immediately, he falters for one short second but it’s enough. Enough for Renjun to push between the two man, one of his hands holding the books, the other finding perches on Yukhei’s chest. He searches for the older’s eyes, trying to stay calm, because one of them actually has to.

“Stop it, Xuxi.”

And just like that the fire in Yukhei’s eyes turns to dust, the anger subsiding leaving behind only softness and warmth. He looks at the shorter boy as if he was about to plead, his brows furrowing and teeth biting into his bottom lip – _don’t go with him, Injun, stay with me, babe_. But before he has an opportunity to say anything, they’re both downed with the realization of what Renjun has just said.

Nobody, _nobody_ , calls Yukhei Xuxi. Except for Renjun. It’s his mandarin name, which he doesn’t necessarily share. Xuxi sound too soft, too delicate for the image Yukhei has put around himself and Renjun found out by a mistake months ago but swore to not tell anyone.

Except now everyone knows that there must be something more happening between the two and Yukhei does the most mature and reasonable thing, he could possibly think of. He takes a hold of the hand Renjun has on his chest and runs – runs down the corridors and towards the closest empty place he could find.

They end up in one of the practice rooms, both panting with their backs pressed to the door.

“We fucked up.”

It’s true and Renjun cannot fight it. It isn’t just Yukhei’s fault, they both made mistakes and there is no going back. Goodbye nice and peaceful life. People are bound to talk, to spread the rumor, each of them having their own storyline. As strange as it may seem, this is not what makes Renjun’s insides twist. There is something else bugging him.

“What was that about?” he asks, pushing himself from the door to stand in front of the older. “Why did you react like that, Xuxi?”

“You clearly said you didn’t want to go anywhere but he wasn’t listening to you.”

“I could’ve handle it!” Renjun doesn’t intend on getting angry, on shouting at Yukhei and putting the blame on him. But a strange feeling arises deep in his guts, something uncomfortable, something unpleasant.

“He stood so close to you,” Yukhei’s voice is loud as it always is but it lack its strength, its power, as if Yukhei was deflating before Renjun. “He touched you.”

“He was nicely asking me out and I said ‘no’, so I don’t get what was the problem.” Renjun stands tall with his hands upon his hips and sharp eyes burning holes in Yukhei’s head, while the older stays pressed to the surface of the door, his knees slightly bend, making him look smaller.

“I didn’t like it.” he finally says, voice small and soft.

“But I’m not your property!”

It’s another slip and Renjun is already terribly sorry the moment the words leave his mouth. Because before him Yukhei’s eyes suddenly lose the warmth, the ever existent energy and joy. His face slightly pales and he looks away, gaze fixed on the messy floor.

“You’re right,” His brown fringe falls over his eyes, casting a shadow over his cheeks. “You’re not. I’m sorry.”

 _Don’t be sorry for your feelings, dumbass_ echoes somewhere inside Renjun’s mind but he doesn’t focus on the voice. Instead, he takes a step forward. The truth is that he may be sleeping with Yukhei, having hot make out sessions in his car or spending pleasant mornings under Renjun’s shower but at this point Yukhei is probably his closest friend. He is close with Jeno and Jaemin, oh hell, he’s even close with Donghyuck, but there is something more, a kind of deeper understanding that he has with Yukhei.

He puts his hands on both sides of Yukhei’s face, framing it with his palms and making the older look him in the eyes. Their breaths mingle, noses brush and Renjun tries to forget about all the suspicions he has about Yukhei, about his feelings towards him, and just kisses him like he always does. With warmth, softness and lust.

“I shouldn’t have said that,” Renjun says later, when he pulls away to press their foreheads together. “But you know what I meant.”

Yukhei pushes himself off the door and steps to hug the younger. Renjun’s face ends up being pressed into the center of Yukhei’s chest and he hears his heart – loud and clear – but he pretends it is its original rhythm.

(It isn’t.)

“I don’t know, what’s happening to me, Injun,” Renjun clenches his teeth upon hearing Yukhei’s words, suddenly, scared to hear the rest. But Yukhei doesn’t continue, he just breathes – deep and steady – keeping both their bodies close. It’s good few minutes later, when he speaks up again. “I could miss the last lessons and take you home, what do you say?”

And it’s just so much Yukhei to propose sex after a talk like this.

Renjun pushes at his chest lightly and gets on his tiptoes to at least try and be a little taller. He winds his arms around Yukhei’s neck and presses their lips together again. The kiss is slow but not void of tongues and teeth. They clash and it hurts but hurts so good.

“Stay here, Xuxi. Pretend like nothing happened. I’ll just go home, I have a lot to learn.”

Unwillingly Yukhei slowly nods his head and pulls away from Renjun, his hands that were on the younger’s hip being last to leave his body. He reaches for the doorknob and opens it to let Renjun out, while he himself stays in the practice room longer to pretend like they weren’t there together just a moment before. But he leaves the door slightly ajar and when Renjun turns around he can still see Yukhei’s black eyes following him.

Before Renjun makes it to the bus station, his phone beeps with a new message.

 **xuxi** _  
__text me when u make it home  
_05:27 pm

 

 

 

It’s Wednesday, almost a week since the Academy has known that there is something going on between Wong Yukhei and the freshman. Renjun isn’t necessarily bombarded with questions from random people or a sudden wave of hate but there are people looking at him, ogling him, gaping at him in the cafeteria and talking in hushed voices. They point at him thinking that he doesn’t notice, that he’s fully unaware but they’re all wrong. Because he knows exactly what is going around him. People don’t hate him but they just cannot help wondering, what is it about this boy that Yukhei is seeing him?

When Renjun makes it to his dorm, he’s relived to finally free from the annoying stares people were giving him. His room has never been more peaceful. He makes himself a cup of jasmine tea, sits on the bed with his back to the wall and a book on his lap. He has two chapters to read for tomorrow’s lecture and the need to do something, to focus on the words and their meaning (and understanding the whole text as it is in Korean), relaxes him in some strange but satisfying way. Renjun has an amazing distraction to not dwell on, what other students are thinking about him and where is his and Yukhei’s relationship going to.

Until his phone beeps with a message. Renjun suddenly regrets not putting the phone on silent.

 **xuxi**  
_wat u doin?  
_09:21 pm

They haven’t met since they unintentionally let other students know that there was something more between the two of them. They’ve seen each other on the corridors, in the cafeteria, exchanged smiles and small waves but they didn’t talk, didn’t even try coming close to each other. Because what is between them is between _them_ not between the whole school. And to top it all, Renjun knows no one will understand – they would assume that Yukhei is using him, nothing more, nothing less.

 **Injunnie** _  
__reading  
_09:23 pm

 **Injunnie**  
_what about you?  
_09:23 pm

Still Renjun doesn’t know, what to think about the thing that was clearly happening on Yukhei’s side. He should confront him, ask him about it and finally find the truth and stop relying on the assumptions but it’s difficult. Renjun knows, what such a talk might bring – tears, unrequited feeling and the end to their relationship. And he surely doesn’t want that.

 **xuxi**  
_thinking bout u  
_09:24 pm

 **Injunnie**  
_don’t you think we need a little break? so that others would stop bugging us?  
_09:27 pm

It’s just a suggestion, he knows he can tell Yukhei (almost) anything, and that he will understand. Renjun does not have bad intentions, he just wants the peace to come back to his life.

 **xuxi** __  
i dont care bout them  
09:28 pm

 **xuxi**  
_never will_  
09:29 pm

 **Injunnie**  
_they won’t leave us alone. I’m just saying it in hope that they’ll forget in few days, maybe weeks. don’t you get that no one wants us to be together?  
_09:32 pm

The reply doesn’t come, though, and after ten minutes Renjun starts slightly panicking. Maybe he said too much? Maybe Yukhei has finally had enough? His eyes focus on the words in the book but his mind is somewhere else, somewhere far far away and it’s infuriating because all he can think about is _Yukhei Yukhei Yukhei_

And then there is knocking, knocking at his door, late in the evening and if it isn’t drunk Donghyuck or Jaemin in desperate need of help (Jeno never comes uninvited), then it can only be one person.

“Xuxi,” Renjun says, after coming up to the door and swinging it open. The older is there, still in his sweats and a t-shirt, which he uses for rehearsals, and he’s slightly panting, while he leans on the doorframe. But his eyes are focused on the younger, black orbs filled with some strange determination that Renjun mostly catches, when Yukhei is about to perform on stage.

“I do,” he says, still trying to calm his raging breathing. He takes a step closer, putting his hands on the younger’s shoulders, fingers catching on the loose hoody. “I want us to be together.”

The sentence has multiple meanings, can be interpreted in so many different ways, but Renjun cannot dwell on it further, as Yukhei closes the gap between them and kisses him. His plush lips push onto Renjun’s chapped ones, hands tightening on the younger’s clothing to keep their bodies close. With his teeth he catches at Renjun’s bottom lip, prodding him to open his mouth, to deepen the kiss.

Renjun would like to push Yukhei back, to stop him from acting on instinct, but he can’t. Simple as that. His hands find their way towards Yukhei’s brown locks, his mouth moving smoothly, eagerly with the older’s. There is passion, devotion, in every move that Yukhei makes and Renjun takes upon himself everything the older is about to give.

Soon Yukhei slightly bends down, taking his hands away from Renjun’s neck and hooking them under his knees in order to pull him up and into his arms. Being held this way has always given Renjun a bizarre sense of freedom – with his feet dangling around Yukhei’s hips and eyes tightly shut, he could almost forget about the reality surrounding him. Almost.

“Xi,” he pants, finally pushing the older away. Yukhei has just pressed him onto the wall and, even though, he lets go of Renjun’s lips, he’s attacking his neck a moment later. “Xuxi,” he tries again but it seems that his effort is going unnoticed.

To say the truth, Renjun isn’t exactly sure, whether he wants to truly ask Yukhei any questions. Of course, he would love to know, what the hell was going on, but the more he asks, the more Yukhei would tell him. And the truth, he is in desperate need of, is still on the border of what Renjun wants and what he’s scared of.

Yukhei bites into his neck, not a gentle nip, which makes the younger gasp loudly. The teeth break through skin, possibly drawing tiny drops of blood. _He’s gone mad,_ is the first thing that comes to Renjun’s mind, _he’s insane._

Yukhei places wet kisses to the bite – one, two, three – until he presses his lips there and doesn’t move away. Renjun can feel Yukhei’s uneven breathing, the slight shakiness of his arms and overwhelming warmth of his body. But then he catches the way the older’s lips tremble, he feels it on the skin of his neck, and he instantly knows, something isn’t right.

He places his hands over Yukhei’s shoulder blades, caressing the skin through the thin material of his t-shirt. He doesn’t ask, doesn’t push, knowing that sooner or later, Yukhei is going to tell him. The older’s hot breath tickles his skin and it sting, where Yukhei has just bitten him.

But Renjun cannot bring himself to hate the pain.

“Don’t leave me,” The words come out muffled but due to Yukhei’s strong voice, they make it loud and clear to Renjun’s ears. “Don’t leave me, because of them.”

It is his message that must have triggered Yukhei’s sudden loss of temper – that they should take a break from seeing each other – though, the older must have been on his way to Renjun’s dorm nonetheless. Yukhei shouldn’t be sporting such reaction, shouldn’t be acting like this, when from the very beginning they made it clear, what their relationship was about.

“I thought it would be easier, if we gave ourselves a little space, so that the talk would die down.” Renjun answers truthfully. Yukhei is still holding him up by the wall and with the way the older’s body slightly trembles, he should be scared of falling to the ground, but no matter, where Yukhei’s feelings are and how his heart might have changed, Renjun still trusts him.

“I don’t care about a word they say. They know nothing about us and I won’t let them take you away from me.”

Yukhei’s hug gets tighter, his strong arms flexing under his legs, chest pressing the younger’s body even further onto the wall. He’s squished by a man twice as big as him but Yukhei is the definition of the saying _don’t judge the book by it’s cover_ , because he looks confident, strong, acting like he doesn’t even know what deeper feelings are. And even Renjun, the Huang Renjun that thought he knew Yukhei like the back of his hand, was wrong.

Even Donghyuck said it – that he thought Renjun would sooner or later catch feelings.

Oh, how wrong they have all been.

“Can I ask you something?”

When Yukhei finally stops hiding in the crook of Renjun’s neck and looks him in the eyes, it’s evident just how many emotions are swirling inside him, tossing and turning with every beat of his heart. Renjun has been a fool to believe Yukhei had a heart of stone. Their noses brush, lips barely apart and Renjun already believes he knows the answer to his question from looking into Yukhei’s eyes but the needs the confirmation in the form of words.

“Are you in love with me?”

Yukhei’s eyes fill up with shock, his eyebrows rising and mouth unmoving. He swallows thickly, his Adam apple moving up then down and then he bends down to put Renjun back on his feet. He stays silent, even when he straightens his back again. But his eyes don’t find Renjun’s ones, as he looks anywhere else – mostly to the floor.

“Tell me.” Renjun tries once again, this time a little harsher, more impatient.

When Yukhei shifts his eyes to vaguely look Renjun in the eyes, the younger sees how sad and watery they are. A sickening feeling arises in his stomach but he tries not to focus on it.

“You’re angry,” Yukhei says finally, voice much calmer then Renjun would’ve expected it to be. “Which means you don’t feel the same way.” The older takes a step forward and once again leans down, his face matching height with Renjun’s. His eyelashes are wet, when he gently kisses the younger. “Because I do, Huang Renjun. I’m in love with you.”

Renjun can feel his throat closing up and stomach twisting. A shiver runs down his spine, making him uncomfortable and unsteady.

“We promised each other. No strings attached.” It’s a mystery, why he’s suddenly so overwhelmed with emotions, why Yukhei’s confession has made such an impact on him but he won’t dwell on it. Renjun doesn’t want to know the reason.

“I know. I was the one to come up with the rule,” Yukhei crosses his arms over his chest and, even though, he’s getting rejected, he’s not moving away from the younger. “Trust me, I didn’t plan it. But then one day I realized, what I felt for you was different from any other feeling I’ve ever had for anyone. I’m sorry. It’s my first time falling in love.”

It’s heartbreaking, just heartbreaking, to hear such words and see Yukhei’s calm face, because he must be suffocating inside. He knew Renjun wouldn’t feel the same way and must have been hurting since the day he realized, what his feelings were. That’s why he seemed so unsteady lately – giving out the truth probably at least made him feel calmer.

“Since when did you know?” Yukhei asks, when the younger doesn’t speak up.

“About two weeks but I wasn’t sure.” Renjun hides his face in his hands for a moment to at least try and calm himself. “We can’t do this anymore.” he says, when he looks up at Yukhei again.

The older shakes his head. His eyes doesn’t show that he’s steady composure is beginning to break and suddenly Renjun is stuck with the realization that Yukhei has made a huge progress as an actor. If he wants to, he can perfectly mask his true feelings and even Renjun isn’t able to see through him.

“You knew about my feelings and still you spent a night at my house not even ten days ago. How is it different now?”

“I can’t keep on hurting you,” he says with unsteady voice. “I was scared, because I knew how this talk would end up. You have to go.” Yukhei tries to take his hand in his but Renjun swiftly pulls it back and hides it behind his back. “I don’t feel the same way you do.”

“You’re scared of relationships, devotion, I know it all. But if we stay like this, maybe one day you’ll get used to the idea of us– ”

“Leave, Yukhei.” Renjun says, as he closes his eyes in hopes to get swallowed by the wall behind him. “Leave. We’re over.”

There is silence. Renjun doesn’t hear anything, neither the footsteps getting further nor closer. Only after a moment, there are two small taps over the floor and Yukhei’s breath suddenly ghosts over his forehead, lips slightly brushing the skin, they are there but don’t press. It’s not a kiss.

And soon they are gone. No warmth, no hurried kisses, no prolonged goodbyes. Just the click of the door indicating that someone has just left. They’ve never parted this quickly.

When Renjun opens his eyes, he’s alone.

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

Upon entering the main hall once again, Renjun feels drained from all the energy his body ever had. The ache in his head hasn’t gone away and it seems that the muscles in his legs forgot, how to properly work. However, his mind almost doesn’t notice the state of his body, as it’s all focused on the play, he has just seen.

There is a bizarre feeling inside his chest, which makes him feel empty and overwhelmed at the same time. It is true, what was written in the reviews Renjun read. The director made a great job, the choreography of the movement on stage and music were incredibly well paired with the story and the acting without a word of doubt was fantastic. But what stricken Renjun the most was topic – a familiarity that hit way too close to home.

It doesn’t bring peace to his heart, though. There is tingling accompanied by some twists and turns in his stomach, which do nothing to sooth the additional ache in his head. His heart is strangely beating slowly but Renjun swears, he feels each and every beat vibrate in his chest. He feels his blood flow through his arms, legs, reaching even the smallest of his toes.

It’s guilt – nothing more, nothing less. The bitterness of it has been sitting on Renjun’s tongue since the day he told Yukhei to leave him alone. Which he did. But for the past nine days, all the young Chinese boy has done was to pretend that he didn’t care, that it didn’t affect him, that he wasn’t hurt too. When he was.

 _There is nothing to fuss about anymore_ , Renjun thinks to himself. What they had is gone and he has to get used to being on his own now.

The air is still warm, when he exits the theatre. A couple of people gathered at the front of the building, smoking cigarettes and exchanging their opinions about the play. No matter the headache, Renjun slowly makes his way towards the subway station, gently rubbing his chest over his heart through the material of his shirt. That’s where the tingling and squeezing is the strongest now.

He doesn’t focus on the nameless people he passes by or the cars parked on the side of the road. His goal is to reach the train without passing out on the sidewalk. If anyone were to find him and get him to the hospital, he would be diagnosed as a drunk student, because of the wine he’s had. No one would believe him his head was about to explode, because he could barely sleep for the last week.

“You look like shit.”

It’s something Donghyuck would say, insulting a person instead of a _hello_ but the person, who said it, has way deeper voice than Donghyuck could ever dream of. Renjun abruptly stops in his tracks but doesn’t pull up his eyes to meet them. He hopes, wishes, it’s just his imagination. It’s just some random guy, who wants to pick up on him.

“And you won’t look me in the eyes.”

But the second sentence confirms his worries. He fists the hand on his chest on the material of his shirt, wrinkling it. He doesn’t want to look up – _doesn’t, doesn’t, doesn’t_. So he takes a small step back – one, two – and quickly turns around to get away from _him_ the fastest he can.

The effort is useless, though, as his muscles don’t cooperate and his head starts pounding thrice as much. A hand catches onto his wrist and makes him turn around. Yukhei seems to look calm but there are dark bags under his eyes, which show that he too had trouble sleeping. Renjun first smells it, then sees it between Yukhei’s fingers – a cigarette. The older is nothing but calm.

“I meant, what I said. You don’t look good.” It isn’t the best thing to hear from someone, who used to call him in the middle of the night just to tell him that he couldn’t stop thinking about his cute face. But Renjun knows, what the older means and that he doesn’t have bad intentions.

“Please, let me go,” Renjun tries freeing himself for Yukhei’s grip but to no avail. “I’m tired, dead tired, and I just want to catch a train and go home. Please understand, Yukhei.”

Something shiny flashes in the older’s eyes and Renjun wonders, if it’s because he didn’t address him as _Xuxi_. Which he couldn’t, because the word wouldn’t come out of his mouth.

“Then let me give you a ride.”

The words used to make Renjun shiver with anticipation. He would eagerly jump on the shotgun seat, bouncing slightly and sporting a small but radiant smile on his face. Now the though terrifies him. He cannot even imagine sitting next to Yukhei in the closed car, just the two of them and the awful tension. It would be horrible.

“Why are you doing this?” Renjun once again pulls on his wrist but Yukhei still doesn’t let him go. “You’re making it way more difficult than it is. I don’t feel the same way you do. I don’t l– ” He doesn’t finish, because the last two words wouldn’t get through his throat. They just wouldn’t move.

“I understood it the first time you told me,” Yukhei’s eyes are warm, like they’ve always been, and, even though, the evident sadness there is still a spark of joy in them. Renjun feels his chest tightening uncomfortably. “I didn’t come here to change your mind. We were… just two people, who liked to sleep with each other, and for some time now I wanted us to be something more but today I came here, because first of all, you are my friend.”

Renjun looks at him, as if he grew another head. His eyes are wide open, brows high and mouth slightly ajar. He cannot comprehend, what he’s heard. The meaning doesn’t reach his brain and it isn’t because of the headache.

The hand around his wrist loosens its grip and soon leaves the skin.

“How are you doing this?” Renjun means to ask, how is Yukhei cooping with all of this, when Renjun’s actions hurt him so much. How does he manage to still be such a good person? He doesn’t need to specify, though, because Yukhei knows what he means.

“I was prepared to get rejected,” he takes a quick drag and then throws the cigarette butt on the sidewalk. “You never said it out loud but I quickly caught up on the fact that you don’t fancy being in a regular relationship.”

Renjun is at loss of words, he just looks at Yukhei but nothing that comes to his mind is suitable. The way the older gently smiles at him, makes Renjun’s throat feel, as if he were to cry. He wouldn’t but he surely feels like crying now. Because he feels guilty knowing that Yukhei can put himself above all of this, can act like a real adult, which sounds impossible but is true. And he himself wanted to avoid the older to the end of the world like the scared kid that he is. (Sometimes.)

“I’m sorry.” Renjun says finally and he means it in any possible way. He wanted to ask Yukhei, when did he mature so much, but then there is a tear running down the older’s cheek and he refrains from voicing out his thoughts in the end.

“You shouldn’t be,” Yukhei wipes the tear away with the back of his hand and nears his car to open the passenger’s door next. “I’m fine with you not feeling the same way, I’m fine if we never go back to how we were but just don’t leave me.”

It means _we don’t have to date, if you don’t want to, we don’t have to fuck, just stay as my friend, right here beside me_. Renjun knows it from the small wrinkles, which form around Yukhei’s eyes, when he smiles at him. He’s not scared to get inside the car anymore.

He gets comfortable on the seat, buckles up the belts and takes a deep breath. His head is still pounding and his heartbeat is at total mess. He hopes he wouldn’t get sick through the ride.

When Yukhei starts the car and they slowly make it onto the lighted street, when the tall buildings behind the windows turn to blur and Tom Odell’s _Jubilee Road_ plays softly in the background, Renjun feels at home. More than when he visits his mom in China or when they make dim sum together. It’s warm, comfortable and safe, even when Yukhei has to wipe his cheeks from the tears that still won’t stop coming and his car reeks of cigarettes.

Halfway through the ride, Renjun reaches out for Yukhei’s hand and interlaces their fingers.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading~  
> You're free to leave kudos and comments - I read and try responding to each and every word I get. feedback is the best and most important thing I can get from you to learn more. If you have any questions about the plot, I'd be pleased to answer. Also, please note that English is not my first language, so I'm terribly sorry for any mistakes that I might have made.   
> If you're interested in more of my works or the process of writing stories (or memes), have a look at my instagram account - @real__bananapud   
> (the title comes from Shawn Mendes' song)


End file.
